Saturday, 13 November 2010

Dig this

A year or so ago one of the teams of archaeologists who swarm around Orkney during the summer uncovered something pretty special at the dig near Westray's golf course*.

A small - and I mean REALLY small, it's about three inches at most - figurine was found, clearly marked as a female. . . well I think those are boobs and the archaeologists seem to think so too.

There might even be a belly button.

Or something else.

Oh for heaven's sake, use your imagination.

Anyhoo - it's said by people much smarter than a pig farmer that what they call Orkney Venus and everyone in Westray calls The Westray Wife is 5,000 years old. That's several hundred years before Stonehenge.

Now this may not be important on a kind of end-world-hunger, wake-the-Lib-Dems-up, get-Wolves-out-of-relegation-trouble scale, but it's big news for archaeology buffs and has given a fair boost to the island's tourist economy with a considerable number of folk coming over to see the Wife at the Heritage Centre in Pierowall.

Wifey is now in Edinburgh being examined for heaven knows what, but fear not, a stand-in has been found.

While sorting and bagging the last of this year's potato crop, a Westray crofter made a remarkable discovery (right).

I can reveal that it is almost 5,000 hours old, the seed having been planted in mid-May.

Extensive study, peeling and chipping has confirmed it is an accurate representation of a pig farmer. . . fat, very tasty and satisfying.

The official name is Orkney Potatohead, however locally it will be known as the Peedie Tattie-man o'Westray.

I am available for lecture tours and big, fat grants.

* Westray's golf course, long-time readers may remember, is the one with a 10ft deep bunker with a cow's skeleton in it.


andrea said...

That's *Mister* Potatohead to you. Once he's done working for the Westray Wife maybe he can do some of your mucking out? (And afterwards make you a nice side dish.)

Anonymous said...

So, how many pints is he good for, Malc?

Dave said...

He appears to have a chip on his shoulder.

smart said...

Fascinating find Malcolm. However, the photo you have posted doesn't include enough detail to confirm the gender of the relic. There is certainly an absence of any breasts, but where is the Tattie-man's tackle? I hope that, for reasons of decency, this is a back view, rather than an accurate representation of the front of the pig farmer.

Yorkshire Pudding said...

...big fat grants? You mean like Grant Mitchell from "EastEnders"? I'm sure he'd bee keen to fill an odd-shaped baked potato with sour cream!