Thursday, 31 December 2009

Today I plan to tie my own shoelaces

Seriously. The pig farmer's comedy knee is up to its old tricks and, in football parlance, I'm sidelined.

Mick McCarthy's plans to reshuffle the Wolves' back four and Ireland's defence of rugby's Six Nations championship are being rethought as I write.

The knee had been growling at me for some weeks, never quite wanting to bend as far as I wanted it to.

Then the horses got out. The pig farmer, in an act of extreme stupidity, didn't bolt the gate quite firmly enough last Sunday and the next thing we knew our neighbour June was on the phone asking if we'd mislaid any livestock.

Rounding them up was the usual sorry sequence of running about, tripping over and general incompetence - hard on the knee and, sure enough, later that night it was up like a balloon and throbbing gruesomely.

The following day I was banished/helped to the sofa, Mrs Pig Farmer threatening me with dire consequences should I try to do anything around the farm. Still, regular cups of tea, full remote control privileges, a tin of Quality Street and a good book made the whole situation bearable.

I finally made it down to see Dr Karl who gave me that "we've been here before, haven't we?" expression, got me some industrial strength painkillers and promised to fix me an x-ray just as soon as I'm strong enough to get to Kirkwall.

So, now I'm down to the toffees and coffee creams/cremes (does anyone really like coffee chocolates?), I've started Magnus Magnusson's history of Scotland (fill in the next bit yourself), wondered what would happen to the BBC if David Tennant was killed in a car accident, watched Wolves concede five goals without scoring one over 180 minutes and fretted about the piglets.

Although they seem to be getting along just fine without me.

And, Mick, I'll let you know just as soon as I'm fit again. Anywhere across the back four will be fine.


Dave said...

Get well soon.

zIggI said...

Oh Malc - hope you're bending again soon! Happy New Year and I have some spare opiates here if you need them!

Piglets look devine btw.

I, Like The View said...

crikey, it's all go with you - full remote priviledges. . . you lucky lucky man!!!!

here's hoping that you get your knee sorted out in 2010 and that the rest of the year is a very good one for you and yours


(I read somewhere that Mr Tennant is heading to LA, in order to take a leaf out of Hugh Laurie's book)

elizabethm said...

Oh ow! Hope you are mobile again soon. The first half day can be quite fun, swiftly followed by being bored out of one's brain.
all the best for 2010 to you, Mrs PF and all the livestock.

Yorkshire Pudding said...

I know you are making light of it but a painful knee is the last thing an Orkney pig farmer needs. I hope it gets better soon but I also hope you don't make the Wolves team for January 30th when The Tigers will be eating wolf meat! (I hope!) HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Anonymous said...

Ouch! Knackered knees are no fun. But I wish for you (and your knee) a year of challenges you can meet, obstacles you can overcome and sufficient booze to celebrate achievements.

Lindsay said...

Malc, really really sorry about the knee.

Richard said...

On recent performance, I have a strong feeling regarding which matches Mr McCarthy will be playing you in in the second half of the season. Hope you're feeling a bit better next year, Malc.

Malc said...


Fighting back already.


Much bendier than I was a couple of days ago. Strong drugs always welcome here.
Didn't Devine play for Brighton in the early 80s?


Happy New Year to you and the teens. I hope Mr Tennant finds something less tedious to do in Hollywood than House.


Skysports extends the boredom threshold by a few hours, but once England had bowled South Africa out we were on to the 2009 review shows and endless repeats of Frasier or Friends.

Mr Pud

Yes, it hurts, but not so much as it will when your mob have given the brave boys from Molineux a good going over as I fear may happen.


Alcohol is proving to be an effective anasthetic.


Thanks so much. I always feel like I'm a pathetic whinge, but it's very sore.


Lampard, Terry and Drogba better get ready to feel the force of the pig farmer.

garfer said...

Castrol GTX, inhaled up the left nostril, or incorporated in a Whisky based cocktail, is a sure fire cure for all knee related ailments.

Or you might die.

Happy New Year.

Sian said...

Ouch! Hope you are mobile again soon! But looking at the photo's those piglets are going well..... oh- and I LOVE coffee cremes.......