Thursday, 30 April 2009

We're all going to die. . . apparently

I've been a pig "farmer" for less than two years and so far there's been a foot and mouth outbreak, a Government report claiming that bacon gives you cancer and now we're all about to fall down with swine flu.

A pretty good record, I feel.

Despite the fact that my favourite London-based Broadcasting Corporation has filled its useless, useless, bloody useless "news" channel with wall-to-wall doom, I'm not going to be rushing out for face masks for the pigs or throwing an exclusion zone around Kim's pig hut - anyone foolish enough to get that close deserves everything they get.

I'm glad the government is stocking up on flu treatment - any country that spends gazillions on Trident and on fighting pointless, unwinnable wars should be prepared to spare a few bob to protect its people from disease.

Here on the "farm" we have introduced several emergency measures. We will not be eating chilli for the duration of the emergency. The Herb Alpert records have been wrapped and placed in a sealed chamber. We will sterilise the lime before stuffing it into the neck of our bottle of Sol. Anyone wearing a sombrero will be politely turned away at the gate.

That should see us safe.

Flu-free pigs


Pete said...

unclean unclean!!

I'm hoping that by stocking up on Bacon Sarnies I'll develop immunity

Dave said...

I'm holding my breath while I read your blog. Keep the posts short, will you?

J.J said...

Oh no! The true gravity of this situation has only just hit me now I have read this. I'm going ot have to forego the Margaritas!!!!

Rog said...

Well done Malc. I just think you should add that any Daily Star or Sun reporters arriving at the farm should be spit-roasted - that should cure them.

KAZ said...

This reminds me of the legendary Fray Bentos corned beef scare. I think that was Argentina.
But similar lunacy followed.
I do hope Sven's OK - or has he left by now?

Malc said...


With plenty of HP Sauce, unless the pandemic reaches Holland, that is.


Special Edge of Nowhere facemasks are now available at all good agricultural merchants.


I'm also not watching any westerns involving Mexican bandits who laugh for no particular reason - it's a big sacrifice, trust me.


Time was when I used to rub shoulders with such egomaniacs. Spit-roasting's too good for 'em, I tell you.


Guess what? Sven's time in charge of Mexico's national team ended on April 2 with him being sacked after a 3-1 defeat by the mighty Honduras.

Geoff said...

I was playing Herb Alpert the other day.

This guy's in love with flu.

Betty said...

It's a good job that crowds don't do the Mexican wave at football matches anymore. Quickest way to pass on the virus.

Has Speedy Gonzalez been quarantined yet?

Jimmy Bastard said...

Swine flu my arse. I'm sick and tired of all the shite that floods the news these days.

I remember how we were all going to die of the AIDS virus not so long back.

Pure pish!

Carry on pigging..

elizabethm said...

I would stay on your island with your swine and you will be the finest and safest of us all.

Yorkshire Pudding said...

What's this about an exclusion zone around Kim? You want to keep her all to yourself don't you - you swine!

zIggI said...

I think you only have to worry if Kim starts shouting arriba arriba instead of oink!

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