I've been a pig "farmer" for less than two years and so far there's been a foot and mouth outbreak, a Government report claiming that bacon gives you cancer and now we're all about to fall down with swine flu.
A pretty good record, I feel.
Despite the fact that my favourite London-based Broadcasting Corporation has filled its useless, useless, bloody useless "news" channel with wall-to-wall doom, I'm not going to be rushing out for face masks for the pigs or throwing an exclusion zone around Kim's pig hut - anyone foolish enough to get that close deserves everything they get.
I'm glad the government is stocking up on flu treatment - any country that spends gazillions on Trident and on fighting pointless, unwinnable wars should be prepared to spare a few bob to protect its people from disease.
Here on the "farm" we have introduced several emergency measures. We will not be eating chilli for the duration of the emergency. The Herb Alpert records have been wrapped and placed in a sealed chamber. We will sterilise the lime before stuffing it into the neck of our bottle of Sol. Anyone wearing a sombrero will be politely turned away at the gate.
That should see us safe.