"I'm sorry, I'm quite drunk. It's Saturday and Saturday is red wine day."
It's not the usual greeting when arriving at a bed and breakfast at 10.30 on a Saturday morning.
Still, red wine is good for the soul, beats cancer, makes you incredibly attractive to women and ever so amusing, so who am I to argue? The wee fella who appeared to be in charge was clearly on fine form - flying, in fact - and proceeded to show us up four flights of stairs to our room.
"Oh, you haven't brought your bags up and you'll have to climb those stairs again, is that all right?" he gabbled, then showed us how the heater worked three times, asked us if we had any special requests for breakfast ("I can do all sorts of special things." I bet.) before stumbling down the hall. Mr and Mrs Pig "Farmer" waiting 30 seconds before rolling around on the floor, clutching aching sides.
It's promising to be an unusual day all round. We're off to a wedding in Kirkwall this afternoon. We were invited despite never having met or even spoken to the couple in question.
Diana and Bill who live over on Flotta - one of Orkney's south isles - are the couple in question. I "know" Diana because she writes the Puffincentral blog* and we've exchanged comments. It was great to be asked along and once Mrs Pig "Farmer" heard there was a bar, a buffet and a band a herd of panic-stricken wildebeest wouldn't have kept us away.
Anyway, good luck to Diane and Bill. We'll see you at St Olaf's later and I promise to keep Mrs P"F" away from the gin.
* When I say she writes the blog, she posts only when there's a Q in the month.