Friday, 27 February 2009

Time of the "month"

Listening to: The Futureheads

I found myself backed into a corner trying to placate a very grumpy sow. For some reason, visions from my first marriage sprang to mind.

I'd made the rookie mistake of bothering Kim when she was quite content quietly snuffling around her pen. Charm and sang-froid, not to mention a big stick, were going to be needed to get out of this one.

I had been trying to tell if she was in season - something any half-decent pig farmer can tell at a glance. Kim is due to go off to the boar on Mainland next week and it would help to know when she's likely to welcome Boss's advances. She's stands waist-high to the pig "farmer", weighs around 400lb and takes no shit. I wouldn't want to be in the Boss's shoes (trotters?) if he chose the wrong moment to climb aboard.

She'd seemed a bit "off" - lethargic and not as enthusiastic about breakfast as usual - so I tried what is generally recognised as the best way to test whether a sow is in the mood. I got behind her and pressed down on her hind quarters. Try explaining that one to the wife when she comes home unexpectedly early.

A sow in season should stand stock still, as if welcoming the. . . err. . . opening gambit. Kim was far from still, she got quite mobile, turning around, grunting angrily at the pig "farmer" who selected reverse gear and hurried away only for his retreat to be blocked by the far corner of the shed.

It could have been nasty, but Kim and I have got used to each other over the last 12 months and I know she's a sucker for a tickle behind the ears. So, tickling as I went, I edged away from the corner and leapt into the next pen where a heavily-pregnant Molly was eating her bedding. Terrific.

10 comments:

Dave said...

How different, how very different, is the home life of our own dear Queen.

Arcadian Advocate said...

pigs eh, we just discovered our boar has been firing blanks... so that has upset our regular supply of piglets somewhat....
now searching for boars ot hire or buy.. 9 girls waiting but then we must not have them farrow all at once - nightmare scenario..

I, Like The View said...

seems a little like painting oneself into a corner. . . glad you extracated yourself unharmed!

Z said...

Sounds pre-menstrual to me. Next week could be just right.

Mind you, if any bloke starts pressing down on my hindquarters at any time, he might get a trotter right across the mouth.

Donn Coppens said...

Hopefully she'll go 'Hog-Wild' next week and she won't be too bored on her 'Boaring' date.

Gawd that was uncalled for.

Sian said...

I can imagine Kim's outrage, "Unhand me You Scoundrel" like one of those bonneted ladies of "Cranford" or "Larkrise". Let's hope the Old Boar has a more gentlemanly approach next week and appreciates the correct etiquette.......

Yorkshire Pudding said...

Admitting to bestiality is not recommended as a way of winning lasting friendships on the net. Most right thinking visitors would never entertain the idea of bedding a sow - even if she was, as you put it - "in season". That hardly justifies the utter vulgarity of this encounter.

Richard said...

There are specialist websites for this kind of thing.

Arabella said...

Dave's comment made me snort. How appropriate!

Malc said...

Dave

I can imagine Phil getting his jollies with a little downward pressure. . . can't you?

AA

That's not good - even worse for the boar I imagine.

ILTV

I've done that too.

Z

I think Kim would have tried that had here teeth not been just as fearsome.

Donn

Go and stand in the corner and have a good think about yourself Master Coppens.

Sian

We had to put off Kim's "holiday" for a week, but I'm sure she'll keep The Boss in order.

Pudding

Maybe I should turn on the parental advice tool or something.

Richard

Yeah, and this seems to be one of them.

Arabella

If you start grunting, then you're in trouble.