Tuesday, 25 November 2008

Dairy dunce

Listening to: Accidental Anarchist (The Levellers)

This looked like a bad idea from the moment the very nice tea trolley bloke plonked it on the table in front of me on the 8.39am from Thurso to Inverness.

"Teas, coffees, sandwiches, beers*, refrrrrreshments," he cried as he trundled past me.

The pig "farmer" was in an especially good mood, having managed to catch a ferry to Thurso, find a decent pint in a town that would be most at home in a Douglas Adams novel, get up in time for both breakfast and a train, sitting back to enjoy the snow-covered moors and lochs of Caithness through a pretty murky window.

The coffee came black, I picked up the little plastic sachet thingy and dutifully tore where it said "tear here". The dotted line was exactly a millimetre away from where it needed to be.

I tore again - a little lower.

I wiped milk off my chin and turned to the second sachet, supplied presumably as a back-up. At arm's length, I carefully eased it open and got most of the milk into the cup, the rest ending up all over Harry Redknapp (see pic).

I've just consulted this website only to discover the perpetrators are from just down the road from where I used to live. Who said crap stuff didn't follow you around?

You've probably already guessed that none of the expected disasters occurred. I got to Aberdeen no problem, met The Boy, drank my own bodyweight in beer not once but three times, watched a quite poor Scotland side run up 41 points against a bunch of Canadian students, slithered around in the snow and slush, enjoyed a delightful walk along the snow-covered seaside. . .

. . . and got a Sunday night boat back to Kirkwall before a Monday morning return to Westray where I'm now in detox.

* yes, beer before 9am - this is Scotland after all.


Brad said...

Love it. 2p of packaging for 1p of milk.

Geoff said...

At least UHT is drinkable (if you can get to it) unlike that powdered crap.

Redknapp's usually the one doing the milking so I'm glad you got him back.

Sian said...

After all that decadence you'll need a few bracing days on Westray to clear the system......

elizabethm said...

I have an unaccountable dislike of Harry Redknapp so this seems fine to me. My mother still cant open milk cartons (the big ones) without covering herself in milk so they have had to go back to bottles.

Murph said...

That's a stunning pic Malc!

The second one, not the first.

wordver=mankybar ...what are the chances of that?

I, Like The View said...

exactly the same thing happened to me on a plane this summer (fortunately the man next to me, who ended up covered in most of the milk, was fast asleep and he didn't notice)

so glad you are back safe and sound, was beginning to wonder if the house/caravan / small holding/animals had gone the way of the roof from the pig-shed. . .

hopefully the weight of the snow will keep everything in place should the North Wind attempt its worst

(back in the very early '90s I once "hosted" a member of the Canadian rugby team. . . didn't get any free tickets to any matches tho)(I'll say no more, for fear of incriminiting myself!!)

word ver: bendover

KAZ said...

Which of Harry's chins did it land on?
Glad you had a fine time.

Zabigdog said...

Beer is food.

Mig said...

We had those in the last B&B we stayed at. After I'd asked for extra refills three times, they started leaving a little jug of milk on the tray instead. Worked a treat :)

zIggI said...

that's why you need to carry a swiss army knife at all times

WV wingspig - lovely!

Ginni said...

Pull my udder? Wahahahaha!!!

I'm sure the milk counteracted some of the beer?

Malc said...


1p if I'm very lucky.


I never knew what was wrong with those little plastic pots.
Don't start me on Redknapp.


System cleared - well, sort of.


OK, you've pushed me over the edge. . .
Redknapp is a loathsome piece of crap, happy to hold court to an equally loathsome fawning press pack (one of the reasons I bailed out of my former career). The 'good old 'arry' image is a complete con perpetuated by a London-based, West Ham-obsessed 'national' media. Ahhh, that's better.


I liked the first as well.
Could've been Monkeybar, I suppose.


'Hosted' - a fine euphemism which I will be sure to use some time soon. No tickets, though! What a tightwad. Maybe you didn't bendover. Oooooer.


Between second and third. And thanks.


Yes indeed! All praise to the hop.


I knew I should have complained.


Handy for those horse hooves as well.
They might fly.


I don';t think there was nearly enough milk to counteract even a half.