Monday, 11 August 2008

Silver lining

Listening to: Seed (Afro-Celt Sound System)
Weather: warm, sunny
Off to: the beach

We had a bit of bad news yesterday. For the last few months Sal has been working as a social worker for Orkney Islands Council. It was a short-term contract which finishes at the end of the month.

She settled in well, loved the job and the indications were that she would be offered another contract. Sadly, the money's run out at the council and the short-term contract did exactly what it said on the tin. So Sal's going to have rather more time on her hands than she hoped come the end of the month.

We've no complaints - we always regarded any extension as a bonus - and the upside is that Sal will be on Westray all week. That's good for me, good for her and good for her dad Ray, not to mention the animals.

Every cloud etc. . .

Now that Sal isn't going to be earning, I've been kind of thinking I should do something I haven't for 18 months - bring in some cash.

I watched Bonekickers* on the telly the other night and I'm guessing the BBC are even more desperate than usual. I reckon I could come up with something similar in my lunchbreak.

So here it is, coming soon to a once-great national broadcasting corporation near you:


He's a tough, uncompromising, crimebusting pig farmer pursued by the demons from a tortured past. He hates his boss, his boss hates him. He doesn't play by the rules. He drives a quirky car (I'm thinking Series One Land Rover). Only one woman can tame him. . . and so on and so forth.

All I need now are some plots, more characters and casting, as well as what the tortured past is.

Any ideas? (If that doesn't see the comments dry up, nothing will)

* You can catch up with Bonekickers - a "drama" about tough, uncompromising archaeologists (!!!) - on BBC's iPlayer. I recommend you don't.


Richard said...

It must be bad if you couldn't bear to finish telling us. It appears to be writing itself and if it's what I suspect, I hope that you can get some positives out of it. Good luck

Malc said...


Sorry, posted by mistake. Read on. . .

Murph said...

I read it as Boneknickers so was quite dissappointed.

And "Swine Hurd!" always sounds like something Frau Thatcher would have shouted across the cabinet table.

I'm sure you could do much better that "Bonekickers" or the lamentable "Harley Street" but sadly you need to be related to a commissioning editor at the Beeb or ITV.

Anonymous said...

I've tried iPlayers several times and just couldn't get through. But maybe that's a good thing considering your advice :-)

fiwa said...

My advice is go for the paranormal angle. You could be the pig whisperer.

Sorry to hear about Sal's job though.

Ginni Dee said...

Hahaha Fiwa!

Or one character could be SwineBuster...the guy they call when they have to rehome piglets!!

Richard said...

Not having a telly I only know Bonekickers by reputation. I gather it was made by the Life on Mars people.

How about "Sensitive 21st century pig farmer gets knock on head from exploding water pump part and wakes up in 70s intensive farm. The owner is an unreconstructed etc..."

Malc said...


Please don't mention the 'T' word - it's a rule we have on this blog.


Yep, the iPlayer exists only to show us just how little good stuff the BBC produces these days - you're missing nothing.


I'd like to have seen Redford trying that with the pigs. Bet Kristen Scott-Thomas wouldn't have been quite so keen.


Only if he has stronger elbows than me.


Brilliant! I think you're onto something there. Who's going to play Bernard Matthews?

Anonymous said...

I feel a song coming on......"greeeeen acres is the place for livin' is the life for me" get the picture....and I see a pig named "arnold" could be on to something here. I am Ginni's sistah.

Brad said...

Perhaps the hero/crimefighter could take clues from 'the otherside' from recently dispatched pigs ?

mig bardsley said...

well the word ver is sowpig. This has to mean something?

(Really? Life on Mars and Boneknickers? The same people?)

Dave said...

Do you get much crime on the Orkneys?

Episode One: Swineheard investigates The Case of THe Wrong Change Being Given to Mrs MacGregor.

Anonymous said...

My angle? Take a little of each comment, shake it about a bit(no, not that!) and write the words as they then appear.
This, apparently, is a time-honoured method favoured by "teams" of writers, such as those who churn out soap operas.Whatever you do DON'T come down here looking for script advice. Repeat: DO NOT.
(I wonder who holds copyright on the 2 Ronnies' "Charley Farley & Piggy Malone"?)

Anonymous said...

I think a vicious the Birdsesque hen-attack as a child should figure somewhere in the tortured past. His nemesis can be the guy in the chicken suit from family guy.

elizabethm said...

Love Richard's idea. Sadly I did try to watch bonekickers once, and only once. Some good actors too. Just a shame.
Sure you could do better.

Daphne said...

I think you need the word "maverick" before all your adjectives about how tough, rugged, quirky etc your Swineherd is. Also you could cover all areas by putting the word "heart" in the title (Heartbeat, Where the Heart Is etc) and then your series could be shown on Sunday evening at 8pm in the OAPTV slot. I freely give you my suggestion: "Baconhearted" - an exciting new drama series about tough maverick crime-solving pig farmer living on remote island. Enjoy!