Listening to: End Of A Century (Blur)
Covered in: cement (I'll explain later)
Sunday newspaper hacks have landed on our next-door island Papa Westray in the hope (forlorn as it turns out) that Rolling Stone Ronnie Wood would (wood wood? would wood? woodward?) turn up on the island.
I didn't see the News of the Screws on Sunday, but apparently the wrinkly rocker (old habits, sorry) decided not to go on the family painting holiday (!) and popped out for a few drinks. For most of us these days, a bender amounts to seven or eight pints of Guinness and a large plate of lamb chana with extra nan bread.
A bender for young Ronald appears to be going missing for a couple of weeks and getting prolonged jollies with a 20-year-old Russian cocktail waitress. It could be none of this is true - it was the Screws, after all.
Russian cocktail waitress is said to have family over on Papay. Yeah, I know - hard to believe, but it was on Radio Orkney this morning, so I'm running with it.
Consequently, Her Majesty's Press have found Orkney on the map, gone "bloody hell, bit remote isn't it" and turned up on an island of 50 people with no bar. Serves 'em bloody right, I say.
If Ron is reading this (could happen) then I'd be delighted to meet up in the bar of Cleaton House for a jar - and we can discuss just how bad an idea the New Barbarians were.
But Mrs Sort-of Pig Farmer says I've got to be home by next Tuesday.