Wednesday, 6 February 2008

The kindest cut

Listening to: Dumb Waiters (Psychedelic Furs)
Weather: The odd wintry shower, mostly very sunny, north wind swinging to the west.
Birds: a fat little sparrow flitting around the hen run, a snipe flying up in front of me as I was stalking rabbits.

I had a shave last night. Nothing remarkable there, except that it was the first for nearly a fortnight. It bloody hurt.

On my way back to Orkney last week I hadn't bothered shaving (nobody to impress) and by the time I got back to Westray there was a fair covering of stubble. Somehow I didn't get around to scraping the face for another couple of days, so was pretty fuzzy by the time we wandered down for our Friday night drinks at the hotel.

By the end of the evening I had decided to grow a beard, which just goes to show you should never make important life decisions while full of Pinot Grigiot, no matter how perky and fruity.

I think what I had in mind was the full ZZ Top, like so. . .

. . . or even something in keeping with my new surroundings. . .

Mrs TPF reminded me that The Boy had, while watching Billy Connolly's British tour on telly a couple of years ago, promised to buy me a trike if I went for the purple goatee, leather bandana and wraparounds look. . .

. . . so that was settled. Mrs TPF was kind enough to add: "It's not like we do much snogging these days."

Except that growing a beard isn't that easy. You look like a tramp, you realise you are going very grey and it itches like hell.

I lasted until yesterday at about 6pm before I cracked, disappearing into the bathroom to use up half a can of foam and two disposable razors (a cut-throat would have been the tool of choice), hacking and swearing at the bristles until most were removed and, once again, I looked like this. . .

. . . well, close enough. . . same species anyway.

I went back into the kitchen and treated the wife to a slow, romantic kind of a kiss on the lips. She looked surprised and, a whole hour later, said: "You've had a shave. I was just thinking today you looked quite nice with a beard."

* I'm sure most of you know about this already, but one of my favourite things about ZZ Top (some smashing, bluesy tracks apart) is that two of them have beards and the one who doesn't is Frank Beard! Fantastic!


FirstNations said...

you can't please us. don't even try. we're all nuts.
in your defense i must say that there is nothing half as nice as kissing a freshly shaved man...mmmmmmmmmmm!

Anonymous said...

In that case, I'm the same species as Debby Harry HURRAH!

Anonymous said...

btw, I tagged you malcy - check out me blog :)

Betty said...

Ooh, freshly shaved men and all that lovely soft skin ...

... sorry. The HTR treatment is just around the corner, presumably.

Anonymous said...

Heeeeee! I love your illustrations, Malc, and it's a good species to be a part of.

Ginni Dee said...

Frank Beard has the right idea.

My you are a handsome when you're devil clean shaven! Well, anyway, we do know that those of your species can be handsome!! I'm sure you're much nicer looking than what-his-name.

Agreed on how nice it is to kiss a clean shaven man. Oh baby!

Virgin Porker said...

Never stop snogging. There's nothing nicer than a good old snog, even at our age (well, your age, you're older than me but you're no Jimmy Saville yet are you?!). Yeah, I quite like a man with a beard too, but it's no good finding bits of old food or smelling stale milk while you're having a smooch. Keep shaving & keep snogging your Sal.

Besides, a nice long snog and a cuddle is a lot less energetic than you-know-what, especially when you've been hammering stuff outside.

VP x

ziggi said...

why didn't you ask first?

(To women: this is so obvious, why do men never ever do this??)

Malc said...


I realised that long ago. I'd have to differ on the kissing men thing, freshly shaved or not.


Good way of looking at it, isn't it? Will see to your tagging later.


Steady on. Treatment for you or me?


Me and Brad are two peas in a pod. He's the perfectly-formed bright green one at one end, I'm the lumpy, vaguely cube-shaped one at the other.


I'm just off for another shave.


Ah, well, it's like this. . . Sal goes all enigmatic whenever I ask her anything about my appearance. "Whatever you want" "I don't mind" "if it's what you want" are the regular answers to questions about haircuts, clothes and now facial hair. Is that a bad sign?

Malc said...


Err. . . OK then. Is it all right if I come up for air now and then?

elizabethm said...

Perhaps you could incorporate a snorkel somehow? Not in an annoying blue peter way, obviously.

I, still, like the views said...

I like a man who is clean-shaven before. . .


actually, I just like a man who shaves

actually, I like men

(I think I've said enough now; will go and sit in the corner and thing pure thoughts about John Noakes and Peter Purves and Valerie Singleton)

Malc said...


Snorkel? What kind of parties do you get invited to?! Can I come too?


I often find the 'hang on, I'll just go and shave' takes the sponteneity out of it, but your comments have been duly noted.

mig bardsley said...

Mmm. warmly bearded.
Mmm. freshly shaved.
I like a bit of variety myself.