Wednesday, 30 January 2008


Listening to: North Country Boy (The Charlatans)
Drinking: pints of Lemsip
Weather: Buy one season, get all four free in the same day

I've got a cold. The first for two years as far as I can remember, certainly the first since I gave up working in an office 18 months ago.

There's an advert on TV at the moment where the claim is that the blocked up feeling in our noses is swollen blood vessels, not snot.

Nonsense. . . it's snot. Buckets and buckets of the stuff.

And before anyone starts, it's not man-flu, I don't feel too bad, it's just very messy and a bit inconvenient. Try depositing a cheque into your bank account while simultaneously battling to stop the drips falling off the end of your nose onto the counter in front of an appalled bank clerk.

To make matters worse, my eyes are streaming. The left one - an attractive shade of scarlet - is sending a constant trickle down my cheek.

I boarded the ferry back to Orkney this morning weeping like the jilted sister of one of Jane Austen's heroines.

"Oh Henrietta, I am all undone. Mr D'Astardly has lent his handkerchief to Amelia Aston-Martin - when he led me to believe all his linen was to be mine alone.

"Oh Charlotte, the bounder. Still, there's always plan B - borrow some tissues from Colonel Stern, the tall, moody suitor with a dark secret, but without the necessary facial muscles to crack a smile.

"But Henrietta, will father sanction such an exchange? He's very particular where I blow my nose.

"Father is away planning to blow up a French chateau full of Nazi officers with Lee Marvin and Telly Savalas, thereby saving himself from the hangman's noose.

"Oh why must my happiness always come second to the downfall of the Third Reich?"

See? Told you I was ill.


Betty said...

Colds are definitely getting worse all the time. The last one I had was a real stinkeroo. It was so bad that the only way I could take my mind off it was by doing housework. For someone who goes to great lengths to avoid housework at any costs, that's really saying something.

Have a pint of Lemsip on me, and top it up with absinthe. That'll make things slightly more tolerable.

I, still, like the views said...

I think it was Mr D'Astardly in the DB9 with the hankerchief. . .

or was it Father in the chateau cellar with the dynamite. . .

or Telly in the hangman's noose with a lollipop. . .


Arabella said...

Ah, Sunday afternoon with a pound of chocolate covered raisins, a pot of tea and 'The Dirty Dozen' on the box.
Erm, get well soon?

Anonymous said...

I think your cold has warped your sense of time and history Mal :p

I hate feeling ill like that - I'd much rather have a stomach bug 'cause at least then I have an excuse not to leave the house. Headcolds are the worst, 'cause no one takes them seriously :( I do. Chin up, snort deeply, carry a hanky.

Anonymous said...

I called you mal, I meant malc. Dry those eyes.

fiwa said...

*cackle* That was hilarious - best post ever! Well, the JA part, not the cold/snot, of course.

Hope you get over it soon, dripping snot is purty nasty.


Anonymous said...

Malc! I laughed out loud (awakening my cubicle neighbors) over your Jane Austen-esque writing. Brilliant! (hope your nose and eyes are drying up soon)

Dash said...


Take care of yourself, young man!

Ginni Dee said...

Ill? Yes, but still hilariously funny!

Get well soon. Try some Cold-Eze lozenges...that zinc stuff works!

Good to have you back!

Virgin Porker said...

Ahh, get well soon Malc. Boots' own decongestants always do the trick for me. And go to bed in a scarf. it'll stop your throat getting sore. Also, when you're in that horrible nose running without warning stage, I don't care what I look like, I put a couple of pieces of squidged up tissue up my nostrils. Yeah, you'll look totally special, but it's a lot better than blowing your nose only to find it's full of snot again a second later. Just don't make the pieces so small that you can't get hold of them to replace them - that'll result in a trip to A&E. Oh, and a few good hot toddys before going to bed helps.

VP x

Malc said...


It's been so long I'd forgotten how annoying they are. I'm now in the 'head weighs more than the rest of my body' stage. . . and that's saying something.


It was Colin Firth in the pigshed with a shy smile and a slight stammer.


I can almost recite that film. First saw it in the Rex Cinema in Ely, Cambridgeshire two weeks before they pulled it down. Glad someone got the reference - wasn't sure.


Everything is distorted at the minute. Just off for a bath with lots of Vick dissolved in it.
And 'Mal' is fine, only not in front of my mother. Reg calls me Mal-baby - silly sod.

Malc said...


Can't think of an occasion when snot would be funny - it'll come to me eventually.


I assume that's your cubicle at work. Glad you liked it - I always like to poke fun at early 19th century novellists and 1970s war films.


Hugging me is not a good idea at the moment, a messy business. Thanks anyway.


Cold-eze? A new one on me, but I'll have to have something if it doesn't shift soon.


Not sure about the tissues thing, but have already got out my Wolves League Cup winners 1980 scarf ready for bed tonight. Sal is so pleased.

elizabethm said...

Yep, it has definitely got to you. Retire to bed with a large whisky and hot lemon.
Snowing here and presumably a lot harder where you are.

Homo Escapeons said...

You poor little Bunny!

Nothing to be done but be comfortably numb...

There is no pain, you are receding.
A constant drip, snot on the horizon.
You are only coughing through in waves.
Nose drips ooze and I can see where it's staining.

When I was a child I had a fever.
My nostrils looked like butts on baboons...

OK I'll stop.

Malc said...


Just the freezing rain and wind you can barely stand up in. Can't think why we don't get more tourists this time of year.


Sal reckons the baboon's-arse nostrils suit me.

mig bardsley said...

It's a sad truth that success in catching trains also often brings with it success in catching colds.
At least you avoided the dreaded man flu!
Hope it gets better soon :)