Thursday, 12 July 2007

Kate Winslet's out to get me

Listening to: La Maxima Expresion (Ensemble Latino)
Preparing: for take-off
Drinking: Woods' Shropshire Lad

My pal and occasional partner in crime Reg has introduced me to the world of Google Analytics which not only tells you how few people have read the self-indulgent crap you post on your blog, but tells you where they come from.

So I am delighted to announce that not only does 'The Edge' - as those in the know have come to call it - have a regular readership of at least three (thank you Reg, thank you Mr and Mrs W), but a couple of more occasional visitors and a handful of others who have stumbled in by mistake - or so I thought.

I clocked that, while most readers are from Wolverhampton and Shrewsbury, one visitor came from Berlin, one from Paris, another from Philadelphia and a couple from London - presumably looking for train times.

One more regular visitor is from Bletchley. Where the fruitcake is Bletchley, Malc? Dunno - never been, but a quick Google reveals it is effectively the posh end of Milton Keynes, although it bangs on a bit about being an independent town dating back to Anglo-Saxon times. That's similar to claims by Watford that it's not part of London when we all know anywhere east and south of Coventry has been swallowed up by our glorious capital.

Anyhoo. . . Bletchley is also where those heroic - and frightfully clever - chaps and chapesses cracked Johnny Nazi's codebook, thereby saving modern civilisation. All cloak, dagger, spies, secrets and John Le Carre stuff. They even made a film about it with the adorable Kate Winslet, although there were no car chases.

I thought little of this until I noticed a new visitor from Washington DC, who has clocked in at a similar time each Monday for the last three weeks.

Now you can point and laugh, call me Suspicious Alouicious if you like, but that's got me thinking.

Is George finding it hard to fill the long hours between rounds of golf? Or have I been included on some CIA weekly checklist? Are wannabe pig farmers now part of the Axis of Evil? I must have missed that meeting.

Let's look at the evidence. I was briefly a member of the Sinn Fein bookclub (I kid you not), I've married into a family of communists, I marched against Tony's war, I deliver leaflets telling people the BNP aren't very nice, I'm a one-time trade union activist, I go to Levellers gigs, I'm worried about Fidel Castro's health, I wish someone would ask the Muslim extremists what the problem is and maybe we could sit down and have a chat about it, I like real ale and still have a bit of a thing for Vanessa Redgrave.

Actually, when you look at it like that I'm a dangerous bastard and should be locked up under the Prevention Of Anything The Yanks Tell New Labour Not To Approve Of Act, be fed on bread and water, made to wear an orange jumpsuit and be allocated Lionel Hutz as my lawyer.

It's nice to know the Pentagon is on it's toes and I can't help wondering if Bletchley is still the centre of all that secret service stuff and they're all listening in.

C'mon Kate, you can tell me, I'm a pig farmer.


Reg Pither said...

It's Washington Tyne and Wear, dumbass!! It's a bloke who is sexually attracted to pigs (no, not me) and loves the pix you post.

Malc said...

Bloody hell, does that mean the Geordies are after me as well?